Hello Small One (Part 2)

Hello small one
I don't even know your name
You are due to come meet us soon

We love you
And have been getting ready
And have been praying for your future

I felt you
When you moved inside
When we listened to glory music

I felt deeply
When I prayed to God
That He's fashioning you intricately

He cares
About the details
And is putting them all in place

May you know
The God who answers prayer
If there's anything you know, may you know Him

letter to my blog

Hello poor, neglected blog,

I should have known when I started you that our friendship would be distant and conversations infrequent. Perhaps in my former life, when I was a maiden, I would have written more frequently. But this year I am a real live married lady, and I have a real live person, my wonderful husband, who lives in the very same house as me! Any time I have anything to say, I just say it to him, and then, well. That's it. It has been said, and I don't feel the need to inform you. I'm sorry, that sounded insensitive. I hope you'll understand.

Besides, can you blame me? I have been getting ready to have a BABY. And do you know what all is involved in that? Well, the bulk of it has all been finished now. We have a glorious supply of baby gear, and we've decided to stay in our little apartment for another 6 months, so I'm settling in and reorganizing so that baby (or, all his gear, rather) will fit. It was a close one! There was a possibility of moving into a bigger place all the way up to about a week ago, which had me feeling slightly stressed, it being 3 weeks til my due date and all. Very happy that we're staying in this little apartment for another few months.

This little apartment. I love it. Mine and JM's first home together... the first home I've ever been the "maker" of. It's very cozy. I will be sad to leave it when the time comes.

And the baby... well, he still doesn't have a name. I guess he probably does have a name... JM and I just don't know it yet. :) He'll be here very soon. Hard to believe. And then our whole world will turn topsy turvy as we figure out the whole parent thing. Can't wait!

I hope to write again soon, blog. Until then...

-H

Hello Small One

Hello Small One,

Today I feel you, not just bumping my sides, but doing whole flips and somersaults and who knows what else. Did I give you too much caffeine this morning? Are you letting me know you're there? Saying Hi? Or are you just working out, getting ready for your big day in the sun?

Your daddy wants to hold you. He can't wait til you're in his arms. Right now he can't feel you like I can, though he loves it when you kick his hand, and when he feels your head (or your bum?) pressing against the side of my tummy.

You and I . . . here we are, together. Inseparable for the moment. Strange. I have never been so close to a person. And yet I don't even know you. Don't even know your name. And you are part of me.

You are loved. Be safe, somersault, and sleep well in the hands of God, in the depths of me.

A Boy?

When people would ask "Do you have any feelings about whether it will be a boy or girl?" I would generally try to answer something like "My feelings are pretty much staying in the middle." or "We'll be happy however it turns out!"

But now the truth comes out. I was imagining a girl most of the time.

I mean, can you blame me? I am a girl. I think girls are fantastic. I know about girls, and I have definite opinions on how to raise girls. My sister has two little girls. Girls are pretty and fun and have pretty hair and you can dress them in pretty things and make their rooms pretty. What's not to look forward to?

So when the ultrasound showed a boy in my tummy, I must admit, it threw me for a loop. A boy? What do you do with a boy? How do you raise a boy? What do boys like, and what will this one turn out like? A boy seems like so much more responsibility; I mean, now you're raising a leader, a protector, someone who will someday have great responsibility, whether it's over his family, or over a much bigger sphere. He will deal with temptations I am unfamiliar with. He will have needs and preferences that I am unfamiliar with. He will think differently from me. And then some day, the little booger will go off and marry some woman and leave me in the dust! ; )

But I think it's sinking in. We get to parent a little boy. We get to raise him, love him, take him fishing and buy him boyish things like cars and guns and balls. And we'll lean on the Lord, just as we would with a girl, and watch him grow into a godly man, and when the time comes, not just let him go, but hopefully shoot him out into the world as "an arrow from a fully bent bow."

Plus, I just went back and looked at some of JM's baby/kid pictures. And who can resist the thought of having one of THESE little guys???

Gypsy Life for a Homebody

We've had a week at home, and will be on the road again come Wednesday morning. Hi ho, a gypsy life!

Must admit, my nesting heart wants to settle into being home and spend my evenings crocheting baby blankets while my husband works or reads on the couch next to me. And that's not just a pregnant thing. I'm mostly a homebody, if I'm allowed to be. I generally gravitate toward comfort and coziness, and life on the road is anything but comfortable.

But when I'm out there, and I'm seeing people encounter God in new ways, I feel like I'm right where I need to be. I feel like I'm being faithful with what He's given me; like I'm using my few days here on earth wisely. I'm being pushed out of my comfort zone. I'm practicing moving things with prayer, hearing from the Lord, prophesying over people, laying hands on them and seeing God impact their hearts. Taking what I know and what I've been given, and sharing it. It's work, but it's effective. And it's worth it.

So I will enjoy my peaceful evenings at home. And then I will go and thank the Lord for the opportunity to minister to and encourage the people He holds so dear.

Well, I'm hungry, so this will be the end of this post. Much to do in preparation for this next trip, which will be a whopping 3 weeks long. Fortunately most of it is in Texas. Yes, that is fortunate indeed. :)

-H

in my dreams...

This morning, I took my shower and lay down on the couch to "rest." Nearly three hours later, with crazy lion hair, I awake from this dream:

I was in my father's apartment. (He doesn't have an apartment) I opened his freezer and pulled out a box, like the box of my Annie's Chocolate Bunny Grahams. Inside the box I find several packages. In one is some chocolate puffy cereal squares. In another package there is some toffee, then one filled with cream cheese, and another with ice cream. The instructions were to crush the chocolate squares and the toffee, mix it all together, freeze it, and then enjoy a scrumptious frozen chocolatey ice creamy dessert. As I was crushing the chocolate squares...

JM comes in the room and his entrance wakes me up. In my groggy state of mind I realize the dessert was not real. This is heartbreaking. I go back to sleep and dream...

I am going into Taco Bueno with my family. A friend has given me a homemade burrito to eat. It's a bean and cheese burrito. The flavors are magical. I had never had beans so beany or cheese so cheesy. I could have gone on eating that burrito forever. But it was not to be...

My husband walks through the room again. My burrito vanishes. I am laying on the couch, thirsty, hungry, and with crazy lion hair that came from not drying it after my shower.

Ah, cruel reality...

Ultrasounds and Meatloaf

Hmmm, where to start... Touring while pregnant, birthday, first ultrasound, meatloaf and mashed potatoes...

Well at this point touring hasn't been too difficult. I think the guys would say they barely noticed our little tag-a-long. Well, except my claiming the back bench seat for the whole trip, and the "preggo mamma needs food NOW" thing, and the passing out and puking and things...

Wait, did I say passing out and puking? Yeah, it's just one of those things. I do it even when I'm not pregnant. Hit my elbow or my knee and BAM! I'm on the floor unconscious. You know, just a normal day in the life of a Han. (*not that normal. every couple years on average.) But I think that pregnancy added to my recovery time this time when it happened on tour. And my body took that opportunity to cram all the morning sickness I've been missing out on into a few hours. So that was exciting. I do give Matt kudos for being a great puke assistant. Thanks Matt!

I did experience a birthday while on tour. I am now a 27-year-old pregnant lady. This is the life! My awesome parents-in-law took us out for the best Japanese food I have EVER eaten, and I ate more than I had in the whole month before. YUM. Also got some pretty great things like a hand mixer (which I have been needing), a photo album with mine and JM's complete journey together so far, and a SEWING MACHINE. Yay! Plus family in Arizona took the opportunity to early baby-shower us, since we were in town, and they brought little onesies and receiving blankets and oh the cuteness cuteness cuteness! I teared up several times imagining the little baby that will fill those things. It's almost unreal.

But to make it more real, JM and I had the incredible experience of having our first ultrasound yesterday. Oh man, I can hardly describe the feeling. Seeing little one bobbing and bouncing around inside of me. A real person, a tiny little person with a personality and a soul and a spirit that will exist forever. A person we will know and love forever. Our baby, our child. It was our first glimpse. It was a magical moment. Love was born.

Baby Fridenmaker, 10 weeks 6 days

In other news, and speaking of hand mixers, tonight I made MASHED POTATOES for the first time ever, and it was a glorious thing. Add that to corn and meatloaf, and I felt like I landed myself back at my own mother's castle. JM had a salmon burger, kind of. Ezekiel bread doesn't make for a very good bun.

That's it. Those are all my thoughts. Goodnight, world.

-H

Birth Centers and What All I Don't Know

Today JM and I took a tour of St Joseph's Medical Center, a hospital in the area which has a midwife group and birthing center inside of it. It was a little overwhelming, just because I hadn't met with anyone yet, and didn't really know what questions to ask. But afterwards I can say that I feel a little more oriented and will have a better idea of what to expect when we tour other birth centers, which we hope to do this week. Hope to settle on something soon so we can get in for our/my first real check-up.

As far as I go, I'm feeling pretty good. I get a little sick feeling here and there, but nowhere near what some of my friends have had to deal with. My biggest preggo symptoms are fatigue and weird appetite syndrome. Meaning, I try to eat healthy but there are a lot of things I just cannot force down my throat. When that happens, I just eat Doritos and popsicles. Probably need to curb that...

-H

6 weeks 6 days

My tummy is getting a little harder to pacify as the days go by
But I am waiting for you
I'm reading books and wondering what happens next
I'm getting used to feeling "not quite right" as I go about my day
But I know it won't last forever
It may get worse for a bit, but it won't last forever
And then I'll have you

I read a book by someone who didn't know how special you were
Someone who didn't know you were being knit by the God of the universe
Someone who didn't know you are more blessing than inconvenience
I put that book away

Your daddy knows though
He knows that it will be better to have you than to have had more "time to ourselves"
He knows that there are changes ahead and he is not afraid of them
He knows that God is knitting you inside of me
And that you were given to us in perfect timing
For a perfect purpose
He is helping me remember

So blessings on your mind as it is being formed
Blessings on your body as it is taking shape
Blessings on your soul, know that you are loved
Blessings on your spirit as you're touched by His very hands
May you know Him now and forever

Mommy Musings

5 Weeks 6 Days

JM and I found out on Mother's Day. We were elated, though I have to admit I was shaking for the first hour. Finding out that you have a living person growing inside of you is kind of a big deal. I almost didn't know what to do with the information. It was too big. My whole life was changing from that moment forward. I trembled at the enormity of the discovery.

But slowly it sank in, and my trembling turned to excitement until I couldn't contain it any longer. And then, Text messages! Phone calls! Announcements to parents! My excitement grew and exploded out of me in a rush of bubbly silliness and dancing. We are having a BABY!!!

So now begins the waiting game, the research, the preparation. The curiosity, the eagerness to know what pronoun to use. Everyone's first response to our announcement was that it was going to be a girl. First hunches like that can be fun, but how are you ever to know whether to trust them? I guess that's what makes having them so fun. If it is, in fact, a girl, lots of friends will get to grin and say "Told you so!" And if it is a boy, then the others who don't trust hunches so much will grin and say "You never can tell with these things!"

I have thought of a name for a girl. It was the first one that caught my eye when I looked at baby names on a whim one night. And, honestly, it hasn't left me yet. The meaning of it haunts me, in the best way possible. Maybe a small feminine beauty will appear and slip into the name in my heart; maybe she will need an entirely different name to fit her frame. Maybe it will be a little man of promise and destiny who will claim a noble title yet to be discovered.

So I muse, and I feel things in my heart, but all will come to light in time. Then I will begin to discover what "mother's intuition" is, what love is, what a child is, and who mine is. And that is something to look forward to for sure.

-H

New Blogventure

Hello all,

This is but another attempt at regular blogging. Up to this point I've never been good at keeping a blog up, but I'd really like to try again for the discipline, for the practice at writing, and for the general information of all my friends and family who might be bored and browsing, and who might find something interesting or enjoyable in the tales of my life or ramblings of my brain.

And who knows, maybe I can persuade my husband to put in two cents every once in a while.

I would love to post regular pictures, but the batteries in my camera died and NOW what am I supposed to do???

-Hannah