Negativity, and how it's so negative...

Last week I realized I needed a serious attitude adjustment... All my thoughts of the future had a negative edge to them! I'm never going to finish everything I need to finish before the baby comes. Where are all my family members going to stay? It's going to be so lame to give birth in a hospital instead of at home. We don't even have a good name for the little guy. What if the baby comes late and JM has to leave for a Radiant trip before I'm ready for him to? This whole labor thing is going to be terrible. Blah blah blah blah...

Yeah. All negative. It was totally weighing me down! The Lord had to come in and lift up my eyes to see that He has GOOD plans for me! That He has multitudes of thoughts toward me (Ps 139) and they are of PEACE and not of evil (Jer 29:11)! I so want to live a life of faith and expectancy. One filled with the knowledge of His ever-Presence, His goodness toward me, and the joy of being near Him.

Maybe everything isn't going to be so bad after all. Maybe my future is destined to be full of joy and peace, and maybe He will actually be WITH me through the whole process of delivering this child. Can God be in a hospital, too? Of course!!! Silly Han.

Ah, the power of renewing one's mind with the Word of God...

Hello Small One (Part 2)

Hello small one
I don't even know your name
You are due to come meet us soon

We love you
And have been getting ready
And have been praying for your future

I felt you
When you moved inside
When we listened to glory music

I felt deeply
When I prayed to God
That He's fashioning you intricately

He cares
About the details
And is putting them all in place

May you know
The God who answers prayer
If there's anything you know, may you know Him

letter to my blog

Hello poor, neglected blog,

I should have known when I started you that our friendship would be distant and conversations infrequent. Perhaps in my former life, when I was a maiden, I would have written more frequently. But this year I am a real live married lady, and I have a real live person, my wonderful husband, who lives in the very same house as me! Any time I have anything to say, I just say it to him, and then, well. That's it. It has been said, and I don't feel the need to inform you. I'm sorry, that sounded insensitive. I hope you'll understand.

Besides, can you blame me? I have been getting ready to have a BABY. And do you know what all is involved in that? Well, the bulk of it has all been finished now. We have a glorious supply of baby gear, and we've decided to stay in our little apartment for another 6 months, so I'm settling in and reorganizing so that baby (or, all his gear, rather) will fit. It was a close one! There was a possibility of moving into a bigger place all the way up to about a week ago, which had me feeling slightly stressed, it being 3 weeks til my due date and all. Very happy that we're staying in this little apartment for another few months.

This little apartment. I love it. Mine and JM's first home together... the first home I've ever been the "maker" of. It's very cozy. I will be sad to leave it when the time comes.

And the baby... well, he still doesn't have a name. I guess he probably does have a name... JM and I just don't know it yet. :) He'll be here very soon. Hard to believe. And then our whole world will turn topsy turvy as we figure out the whole parent thing. Can't wait!

I hope to write again soon, blog. Until then...

-H

Hello Small One

Hello Small One,

Today I feel you, not just bumping my sides, but doing whole flips and somersaults and who knows what else. Did I give you too much caffeine this morning? Are you letting me know you're there? Saying Hi? Or are you just working out, getting ready for your big day in the sun?

Your daddy wants to hold you. He can't wait til you're in his arms. Right now he can't feel you like I can, though he loves it when you kick his hand, and when he feels your head (or your bum?) pressing against the side of my tummy.

You and I . . . here we are, together. Inseparable for the moment. Strange. I have never been so close to a person. And yet I don't even know you. Don't even know your name. And you are part of me.

You are loved. Be safe, somersault, and sleep well in the hands of God, in the depths of me.

A Boy?

When people would ask "Do you have any feelings about whether it will be a boy or girl?" I would generally try to answer something like "My feelings are pretty much staying in the middle." or "We'll be happy however it turns out!"

But now the truth comes out. I was imagining a girl most of the time.

I mean, can you blame me? I am a girl. I think girls are fantastic. I know about girls, and I have definite opinions on how to raise girls. My sister has two little girls. Girls are pretty and fun and have pretty hair and you can dress them in pretty things and make their rooms pretty. What's not to look forward to?

So when the ultrasound showed a boy in my tummy, I must admit, it threw me for a loop. A boy? What do you do with a boy? How do you raise a boy? What do boys like, and what will this one turn out like? A boy seems like so much more responsibility; I mean, now you're raising a leader, a protector, someone who will someday have great responsibility, whether it's over his family, or over a much bigger sphere. He will deal with temptations I am unfamiliar with. He will have needs and preferences that I am unfamiliar with. He will think differently from me. And then some day, the little booger will go off and marry some woman and leave me in the dust! ; )

But I think it's sinking in. We get to parent a little boy. We get to raise him, love him, take him fishing and buy him boyish things like cars and guns and balls. And we'll lean on the Lord, just as we would with a girl, and watch him grow into a godly man, and when the time comes, not just let him go, but hopefully shoot him out into the world as "an arrow from a fully bent bow."

Plus, I just went back and looked at some of JM's baby/kid pictures. And who can resist the thought of having one of THESE little guys???

Gypsy Life for a Homebody

We've had a week at home, and will be on the road again come Wednesday morning. Hi ho, a gypsy life!

Must admit, my nesting heart wants to settle into being home and spend my evenings crocheting baby blankets while my husband works or reads on the couch next to me. And that's not just a pregnant thing. I'm mostly a homebody, if I'm allowed to be. I generally gravitate toward comfort and coziness, and life on the road is anything but comfortable.

But when I'm out there, and I'm seeing people encounter God in new ways, I feel like I'm right where I need to be. I feel like I'm being faithful with what He's given me; like I'm using my few days here on earth wisely. I'm being pushed out of my comfort zone. I'm practicing moving things with prayer, hearing from the Lord, prophesying over people, laying hands on them and seeing God impact their hearts. Taking what I know and what I've been given, and sharing it. It's work, but it's effective. And it's worth it.

So I will enjoy my peaceful evenings at home. And then I will go and thank the Lord for the opportunity to minister to and encourage the people He holds so dear.

Well, I'm hungry, so this will be the end of this post. Much to do in preparation for this next trip, which will be a whopping 3 weeks long. Fortunately most of it is in Texas. Yes, that is fortunate indeed. :)

-H

in my dreams...

This morning, I took my shower and lay down on the couch to "rest." Nearly three hours later, with crazy lion hair, I awake from this dream:

I was in my father's apartment. (He doesn't have an apartment) I opened his freezer and pulled out a box, like the box of my Annie's Chocolate Bunny Grahams. Inside the box I find several packages. In one is some chocolate puffy cereal squares. In another package there is some toffee, then one filled with cream cheese, and another with ice cream. The instructions were to crush the chocolate squares and the toffee, mix it all together, freeze it, and then enjoy a scrumptious frozen chocolatey ice creamy dessert. As I was crushing the chocolate squares...

JM comes in the room and his entrance wakes me up. In my groggy state of mind I realize the dessert was not real. This is heartbreaking. I go back to sleep and dream...

I am going into Taco Bueno with my family. A friend has given me a homemade burrito to eat. It's a bean and cheese burrito. The flavors are magical. I had never had beans so beany or cheese so cheesy. I could have gone on eating that burrito forever. But it was not to be...

My husband walks through the room again. My burrito vanishes. I am laying on the couch, thirsty, hungry, and with crazy lion hair that came from not drying it after my shower.

Ah, cruel reality...